A set back or redirection?

I have had hopes of writing about more Wilhite stories... our engagement, our wedding, the first 5 years... almost 6 now! (where has time gone?) But, I'd rather skip to the present.

I am going to make this short. I am tired of typing this in emails or telling someone over the phone. I may use two word sentences or one word expressions to convey this. I am just trying NOT to let myself drag myself thru all of it again and again. It's been a week today since the horrid event, and I am ready to get on with it.

Names have been changed or left out to protect the guilty.

Since October I have been planning to work for a lady in Tennessee. I was planning to teach dance and drama, a life long dream. New shoes and clothes for teaching were bought; we stayed in a hotel for a week so I could do workshops at local schools, promoting the school and my classes. (This was all of last week...) I spent the week having heart to heart chats with this lady, planning for the future of the fine arts programs, praying with this lady about our working together, witnessing to students and families, etc... She and I talked about a lot. She went on and on about how I was a Godsend, how she had been praying for some one like me for 4 years, how she was looking forward to expanding her business, how she wanted to do big productions in the community, etc.

While we were down there, I spent the week looking for housing and found a cute condo with a nice lady who did not ask for a deposit or extra deposit because of our cats. She was very sweet and knew that the cats (or "the girls" as we call them...) are part of our family...

Then last Friday Brandon and I checked out of the hotel. I was to meet this woman at Starbucks for coffee and a planning meeting in regards to summer day camps. She was an hour and a half late to the meeting. Once she got there, she paid me.... then proceeded to tell me that I was not a good match for the school. .. that I was overly assertive (huh?), that I was inappropriate with/toward a student (I shook his hand...), that I don't have a servant' s heart (when was that a prerequisit to work there, and how does she know that, and how would she know that if I only spent about 2 hours a day with her... that is a lie straight from Satan himself...), and that she did not want me to work for her. She said she cried and prayed about it all night... and once she made the decision, she had a peace about it.... Yet, she asked me to forgive her. (If you have to ask for forgiveness, then you did NOT make the right decision.)

I have never been so betrayed and hurt in all my life. Seriously. I cried for 3 hours. I cried because I had totally committed to doing this. Effort and time and MONEY were spent to make all this happen. We were moving. We were moving within two weeks from last Friday, by March 1st. I cried because I felt like a lier.... telling everyone I'm gonna be teaching dance, I'm gonna be doing what I have always wanted to do, I'm moving to TN in three weeks, I'm.. I'm.. I'm...

I have forgiven her. What she did was WRONG. BUT, I want all of God's blessings. Somewhere deep down... and I mean waaaaayyy deeeeep dooooown in the very depths of my soul I have a tiny inkling of a feeling... The feeling that: I knew this was going to happen. Maybe that is God, yes.. I believe it is. God knew this would happen. He goes before us and takes care of us... and I believe that inkling is my Spirit saying, in whispered tones, "It's ok. You knew something, deep down was not right. You would not have been nearly as happy as you thought you would be... AND, God wants to give you the real, tangible desires of your heart..."

It makes me sad to admit I had that feeling. Maybe that's why it was hard to finally make a decision on the tiny condo, maybe that's why at the workshops I did not have real joy, but sad, frustrated feelings and thoughts... Maybe that's why I cried so hard. Maybe I knew that I didn't really want to do that... Maybe I was greiving about our move...

What do I really want?

I want to stay home full time and have Brandon's babies. There, I said it.

I want to have a house and a dog and babies and a garden...

And, I think that way deep down, I know that this is just a redirection and that God is going to give us blessings, abundance, and prosperity that will blow our mind! I believe that huge blessing is coming in March. I'll keep posting and let everyone know..